The introduction to the Serenity Prayer in recovery circles often starts with “We never have to stand alone again unless we choose to”.
I’ve been in and out of the addiction treatment centres and the recovery fellowship for many years. Always heard this said, “We need never stand alone again unless we choose to”. Truth is, I only listened to that “choose to" part. My question has always been "How do I make that choice when even if I’m amongst a bunch of people I still feel alone?”
I felt alone my entire life. Not because I was alone. Not because no one cared. I always somehow convinced myself otherwise... My family and friends have been fighting for me for years. Often fighting with me, you see... I have a disease. A disease that convinces me that I am flawed and misunderstood. It’s me against the world mentality.
I recently lost a friend to suicide, and I can only imagine how alone he felt. It shatters my heart.
I am an addict, and addiction is a disease from which I suffer. ‘It is a shapeshifter, some days it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, other days it is the bear’. This disease tells me that I am completely alone in this world. For years I listened to that voice, and I believed that voice. The problem with that belief is as an addict I lost trust and faith in anyone and anything other than myself. I didn’t know how to let God, be God.
This is dangerous for any addict. The sense of self-sufficiency. It perpetuates the cycle of secrets. Stealing, lying, guarded and not admitting that I have a problem. I cannot fight this disease alone, God knows, tried, tested and lost time and time again. My disease keeps me trapped within my own limited beliefs and those beliefs can be crippling at times.
Although our experiences differ, we all struggle in the same way. We self-sabotage and don’t understand why. Feeling trapped and lonely. We don’t know how to express ourselves. Ending up getting angry at ridiculous things because we can't recognise what's inside. Feeling judged because of the way we judge ourselves. Hopeless, as if no one can save us from our inner torment. Feeling as though we don’t belong. We struggle to surrender and accept life on life’s terms, accepting that there isn't much we can control. Having fought our families, the system, and our inner demons. Which makes it hard to admit that we are powerless.
There are still times when that voice gets loud. On those days I need to remind myself, almost like a mantra of sorts, “Never alone… Never again.” “NEVER ALONE NEVER AGAIN!”
That doesn’t mean I have to surround myself with people 24/7. In all honestly, everyone needs a break now and then. This statement to me means;
That there are other people, really... I emphasize the word really because someone who was as pessimistic as I was could never believe it. But there really are others, who are just like me. Who experience the same flawed beliefs. Who really only has experience with the same coping mechanisms? Which ultimately, served us no good.
No one, whether an addict or not, is an island. We need people, we need connection, understanding, and acceptance. We need to belong. Don’t get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I need a partner or an attachment. I don’t need approval because, at the end of the day, I need to learn to love and accept myself. Flaws and all. Approval is short-lived.
What I do need... Is something that this program has given me. The knowing that I am not alone. On those days when it feels like the sky is falling and the ground is crumbling. I know that there is and always will be a hand to hold onto. A life-line. Someone to answer my call when I need to rant and let the madness out. Someone to guide me. The voice of reason. Someone I owe nothing to. Someone who doesn’t put the fear of God in me. That fear of disappointing them. The guilt and shame. Someone who doesn’t throw rocks at me while I’m trying to climb a mountain and sometimes that mountain gets steep.
What I need when I fail to look at how far I have come. The climb ahead seems impossible but is not. I need someone who reminds me that there is hope. Someone to remind me that I am being made stronger. Forged and compressed. Squeezed like a piece of coal into a diamond. Someone to remind me that hope is a strategy and something I need to hold onto despite every rational reason not to. Someone to remind me to hang on when it doesn’t even make sense to hang on. That voice tells me that recovery is possible and that recovery is worth it.
The fellowship of NA is what reminds me that I am not in this war alone. If I get injured along the way they will carry me until I can walk on my own, and one day I will be the one carrying someone else. I finally understand that personal recovery depends on N.A Unity. A unity that solidifies my opening statement “NEVER ALONE, NEVER AGAIN”.
I am not alone. I am not God. I am an addict who found hope in the strength and experience shared by the people who live in the NA Way.
Summary:
This poignant narrative unfolds the journey of an addict grappling with loneliness and self-sufficiency. Delving into the transformative power of community, the text emphasizes the significance of connection, acceptance, and hope in addiction recovery. The author reflects on the impact of addiction, the dangers of self-sufficiency, and the crippling cycle of limited beliefs. Through the lens of the NA fellowship, the story unfolds the realization, "Never Alone, Never Again." It shares the importance of unity, support, and the reminder that recovery is not a solitary climb. The narrative echoes the theme of hope, emphasizing the collective strength found in shared experiences.
The Struggle with Loneliness
The author reflects on the pervasive sense of loneliness that plagued their life as an addict, emphasizing that even in the company of others, they felt isolated. The disease of addiction fed the belief that they were fundamentally flawed and misunderstood, fostering a self-sufficient mentality.
The Impact of Addiction on Self-Trust
Shared Struggles of Addicts
The Mantra of "Never Alone, Never Again"
The Need for Connection and Understanding
The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous
The author's journey through addiction and recovery reflects the profound impact of loneliness, self-doubt, and the isolating nature of addiction. By sharing their struggles, the author emphasizes the universality of these experiences among addicts. The mantra "Never Alone, Never Again" becomes a powerful beacon, highlighting the importance of seeking connection, understanding, and acceptance. The fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous emerges as a transformative force, providing support, guidance, and a sense of unity. Ultimately, the article conveys a message of hope, asserting that recovery is possible through shared strength and the understanding that no one walks this path alone.